So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
