New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
