I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
