I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
