woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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