Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
