Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
