I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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