my phone needs a breathalizer
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
