The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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