I will die if light touches me.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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