He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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