M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
