Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
