If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
