Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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