so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
even my farts smell like vagina
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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