Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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