He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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