I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This toilet bowl is my home.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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