I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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