This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He passed out mid-signature
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
