I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize