1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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