apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
