Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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