I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
