i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
