I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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