It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You ruined the universe
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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