Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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