i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
