2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
