Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
