Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
