I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
