Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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