Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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