when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
