so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
