I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
