Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
