I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
