in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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