The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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