I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
