i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
