So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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