matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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