he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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