it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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