I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
