my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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