Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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