I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
