if you like me you must not know who I am
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I smell stomach acid.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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