It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
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