One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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