i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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