My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
