On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sex in the backyard? Check.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize