this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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